There’s a lot of talk in this corner of the internet about the necessity for men to swallow the bitter red pill. For those of you not well-acquainted with the concept from The Matrix, it can be summed up this way:

The terms redpill and its opposite, bluepill, are pop culture terms that have become a common symbol for the choice between the blissful ignorance of illusion (blue) and embracing the sometimes painful truth of reality (red). 

Applied to the sexual marketplace, it means that men must come to grips with the hard truths about female psychology and sexuality. Or, to put it simply, why nice guys finish last. Only by accepting that women often reward men of inconsiderate behavior and rude character, while punishing kind, generous and solicitous men, can men break free of the miserable Let’s Just Be Friends trap. A bitter pill indeed; a most unwelcome set of truths.

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Women have a lot to learn about the way men think as well. We often project our dreams and fantasies onto them, not only judging them incorrectly, which is problematic in itself, but also viewing them through the lens of female psychology. Many women get derailed in their relationships by making this critical mistake.

An obvious example is failing to appreciate men’s ability to compartmentalize emotion and sex. In other words, sex cannot make a man feel something for you other than physical arousal and satisfaction. Many women have gone over the cliff believing otherwise.

Another application of this ability to separate the two is that a man can be deeply in love and still mind f**k other women throughout his day. The desire among males for sex, and for a variety of partners, is so pervasive that men here have described it as a constant sort of low buzzing, or fever. A committed man will not jeopardize his relationship to satisfy that lust, but he will feel it nonetheless.

We need to understand these truths so that we can have realistic expectations and stop sabotaging our interactions with men.

Two male bloggers wrote extremely interesting responses to my recent post about the male tactic of instilling dread in a female to keep her keen. Though I remain opposed to the practice of making a woman fearful about getting dumped, each of them shed light on the male perspective that I thought worth sharing.

Keoni Galt, Hawaiian Libertarian

I first knew of Keoni Galt, author of Hawaiian Libertarian, as “Dave From Hawaii.” He is legendary in the community for applying the principles of Game to dramatically improve his marriage by taking the red pill:

Only the few red pill takers…those that understand the reality of gender relations…are even aware of just how widespread the mass delusion of distorted gender roles is inculcated into mainstream consciousness. 

I agree that the reality of gender relations is warped and twisted – for all the studies and the research I don’t know if the sexes have ever understood less about one another than they do today.

KG makes the argument that “blue pill delusions” are contributing to the failure of relationships. Only by accepting the female biological imperative to seek dominant genes for her potential offspring can men free themselves of these delusions. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll just ask you how you like it when guys are extremely eager to please you in every way from the get go. They don’t last long, do they?

KG had a couple of hard truths for women in his post Hooking Up With the Dark Lord. After a woman left this comment at HUS:

Men get bored of the sweet, feminine, hot girls with minimal drama or say “this is going to fast for me” or they say “I know myself. I don’t want to hurt you. We are not meant for each other.” Then you see them chasing dominant, strong bitches, who emotionally torture them and then screw them over.” 

KG had an interesting observations about women getting dumped:

“While she may think to herself that she was a “sweet, feminine, hot girl with minimal drama,” the man’s perspective most certainly disagrees on at least one, some or all of those assessments. That’s why he left.

You also fail to understand that the weighting of importance between these traits. For most men, the hot girl part is the most important trait (the biological hard wiring to try and mate with the genetically superior specimens). If you really are a sweet, feminine, minimal-drama woman, and he left you for a bitchy, demanding, high maintenance woman, it’s a safe bet that your “hot girl” rating is lower than the bitch’s hot girl rating, from his point of view.

He didn’t leave you to chase the bitch because she’s “more exciting and challenging.” It’s because she’s hotter than you and he’s willing to pay the price in dealing with that negative drama to access what he perceives as her higher sex appeal.”

Ouch. I imagine you’re really understanding the red pill concept about now. KG had this to say about men who seek, even crave, drama:

“These are the men who never learn to control their emotions and temper. They had no masculine role models to learn from on how to channel their natural male aggression into productive outlets. They learned to let their emotions be the primary influence on their behavior.

…These are the men who were alienated from their Fathers.”

You cannot understand a potential partner (of either sex) without looking at their family background and relationships. KG points out that men who grow up without fathers wind up displaying female emotional characteristics. That isn’t natural, and doesn’t work because of natural male aggression. Men who “lash out irrationally” are unstable and not suitable as relationship prospects.

Frost, Freedom Twenty Five

Frost is a guy in his mid-20s who describes himself as a “sort of” player. He appears to have begun blogging five months ago or so, but I hadn’t made his acquaintance until my ears were burning and I found his recent post On Dread: A Reply to Susan Walsh. (He writes under a pseudonym, but I think he’s a Brit – he spells behavior with a “u”. Love that.)

“Men are not evil by their nature. In fact, we are born with an innate drive to nurture and care for the women in their lives. There’s a romantic deep inside even the coldest player…

But while men want to be nice, we want to sex more. And in any long-term contest between being nice and getting laid, we will choose getting laid every time. With many women, treating them like crap is an effective way to make and keep them attracted.

It might be impossible for someone who isn’t fresh out of the college hook-up scene to believe it, but the harshest, cruelest, evilest advice that you will find…actually does work. Insult and ignore a girl you’ve just met in a bar, and she’ll pine for you all night. Screen calls from your girlfriend occasionally, and her mind will spin with ideas for how to win back your affections. Cut off a casual hook-up abruptly without explanation, and she will always be ready to see you again at the drop of a text message.

But now, let’s consider the typical Hooking Up Smart reader. She understands that the hook-up scene is fucked. She wants out. She understands that her culture and biology compel her to be a shitty girlfriend to any guy who treats her nice, and she wants to overcome it.

So what’s a girl to do, if she doesn’t want to get treated like dirt by the men she dates? Here’s my advice:

1) Find a nice guy

They’re out there. Find them in your classes, at parties, and campus organizations. Be good to him, and let him be good to you. If love and stability and monogamy are what you want, you can find it. Just don’t go looking for it on the rugby team.

2) Respond well to nice-guy behaviour

OK, fine, maybe you don’t want to date a nice guy. Biomechanics and all that. Maybe you want to date around. Maybe you just really, really want to date that hot flanker and you can live without a promise ring for now. How do you get him to treat you – if not like a princess – with kindness, respect, and affection?

Simply: Reward him when he is nice to you, don’t reward him when he’s mean.

I’ve been in many casual relationships, and trust me: I notice what sort of treatment a girl expects and desires early on.

Girls, try this strategy with a man you’re dating: Be sweet. Be caring. Expect the same from him. You may have to break down the wall of asshole he’s built up with his PUA readings and past experiences with “liberated” women, but maybe it’ll come down eventually.

If it doesn’t, take Susan’s advice. But first, give it the sweetness barrage a chance. You might be surprised to see what’s beneath a lot of the “Assholes” you know.

I’m all for Frost’s advice, but it needs to have an expiration date on it. If sweetness does not produce hopeful signs of the emergence of bonding behavior pretty quickly, you’re wasting your time. Reforming assholes is emotionally dangerous work.

It is only by taking the red pill that you can really bond with one of these male creatures. Take time to understand male sexuality. (It also helps if you understand your own.)